Have you ever wanted to cry? You know a really good cry, The tears stream down your face and you feel cleansed inside. Pain that has kept you sick and wounded is now pouring out and you can’t stop the tears. That is how I felt this morning. I was not expecting any change. I have been holding on to pain and grief for so long that I couldn’t cry. I just kept going. Working, paying bills, and trying to keep “all the balls in the air so one would not drop. Yet, my heart has been broken. Missing my children. Remembering when I prayed to have each one and how hard it was to get pregnant. Remembering reading to them and spending time with each of them when they were young. Knowing they are not in my life. Watching my husband hurting with his disability and knowing I am powerless to help him. Loving him so much. Paying bills, trying to keep the house clean (and not always succeeding because the house was Snuzed). Trying to keep “all the balls in the air.” Telling myself when I have more time I will do all the things I have wanted to do. I can relax, retire, and settle down. Not seeing that as a possibility in the near future. Getting older, moving slower, but still needing to keep up the pace. Covering up the pain with food or business. Today I went to church. Feel the full impact of the past, present, and future glaring at me. Feeling the weight on my shoulders. Suddenly I felt something that I had not felt in a long time. The spirit of God moving through the church just like a gentle but mighty wind. It has been a long time since I wanted to sing in church. I have been so hurt that the words wouldn’t come. As I bowed my head, I started crying! Uncontrollable sobs and words to God. I went towards the front of the church during worship and sobbed my heart out. The pastor prayed with me and I felt released and free. You can claim to love God and have expectations of him. God does not do what you want or expect and you lose faith or count it off as he’s too busy. You start losing your faith and hope and spend less time in your bible reading. The pain inside becomes so intense that the hurt overwhelms you and affects your health, your life, and how you handle relationships. What’s good about this is that God understands your pain. He is waiting for you to say. I give up. I can’t do this alone. I need you. That is when the spirit of God says, “I have been waiting to hear from you. I am here.” Then you hear a song about the love of God. A remarkable thing happens. You want to sing again. Your heart is so full of love that it overflows like a day spring. The tears might be still coming down. However, the hurt is going away. The burden is now on Jesus and he will make the burden light. As I am writing this my eyes are getting misty. He is able to do all the things he said. He will, dear child. Yes, he will because he loves you that much. Hope will rise again.
