Why is this my word you ask? Good question! I was in my group therapy class and everyone had to pick out a paper out of a basket. Each strip of paper had a word on it. My word was Serenity. I am the person that will clean closets or laundry rooms after work. I don’t relax. I am continually cleaning always doing. My husband has the relaxation thing down. I don’t. I keep going till I get myself sick or my back hurts. Serenity is not something that I have learned in this lifetime.
Relationships I have had have led me to be used, abused, and torn down. I have not set up boundaries because I have not seen my worth or value. Therefore, I have been an easy target. When no one is there to put me down I stoill hear the voices in my head. They accuse me and I still defend myself for past guilt. No matter how far I go there is no peace when trouble lies within your heart and mind.
Today I was thinking about my word as I drank a cup of tea. How does one feel serene? I am closing my dark brown eyes and remembering. Japanese tea gardens with the scent of lotus blossoms. Nestled in gardens of greenery with beautiful pink, white, and lilac color blossoms. Sitting on a blanket, in Sigmond Stern Grove Park, watching some of the best performances I have ever seen (or will ever see again). Folk singers whose harmonies were so spot on in 3 parts that you could float unto the clouds listening to them. Watching a waterfall of fresh running water flowing down a mountain. Walking along the beach at sunset.
These bring glimpses into serenity but they don’t last. Does that mean serenity is fleeting too? I believe if the word means anything, it is something you want to come back to. Coming back when moments get hectic. Which is almost sarcastic considering my life has been anything but serene. From the time I was born there was an expectation to achieve, not just to be in the moment. Moments were what you used to make something happen. To cook, to clean, to work, to do yard work, homework, schoolwork, deal with people, and deal with life’s good and bad consequences.
Fun, for me was getting away from people. It was in the refuge of poetry, prose, music, or drawing. Even in that someone would give their expectations. Living in a moment of serenity did not exist.
So, I ask myself, what is this word anyway? What makes this word so important that others seek it in Yoga and in meditation? I can tell you what it is not.
Serenity is not business. Serenity is not fear or remorse. Serenity is not a crashing cymbal or a tough deadline to meet. Serenity is not hardwired to a desktop that can be used or manipulated. I think Serenity introduces itself in the stillness of the morning or in quiet hush of evening. When a soft breeze touches your face and calms you, that’s Serenity. I have been looking for this feeling all my life. How can I find it?
Mary Poppins said a spoonful of sugar helps the medicine go down. I wonder what a spoonful of peace and tranquility would do? I can’t imagine what that would feel like. To feel safe, strong, with emphasis on the word safe, and secure. Whether I had someone to love me or not, I would love myself. Be happy in my circumstances. Instead of having the migraine I’ve got now. To be free of pain. Hmm. That would be serene. To not have to think about the aches craving into my shoulderblades and spine. Just peace. No hurting. No need to grumble. Just, dare I say it. Serenity.
This is for all those couples that thought they knew someone but he or she didn’t. You think you’re helping. The Florence Nightengale comes out. Then, when he falls again you have to call 911.
You think it must be a medical condition. So many falls and calling the paramedics. Then reality sets in. You find the hidden six packs. You find the liquor besides the beer. Years you took care of everything so he could relax. There was always an excuse why he couldn’t do things. You believed everything. Others knew that it was more than a medical condition.
After all the tireless work, you get a name. An Enabler. You enable him to use you. Easy access to alcohol. Just a short drive away. He or she can hide the liquor and say I’m drinking gingerale.
Until reality hits like a slap in the face. You are married to an alcoholic. He has lied all this time.
The good news is that he wants to stop. I call the insurance and I’m told to take him to the Emergency Room. I’m told if he withdraws without intervention it could be fatal.
I drove him to the Emergency Room the next day. He is showered, bag packed, and ready to face detox. I am relieved by scared for him and scared for me. He might be gone for a month.
I was ready to leave him forever. Now a month sounds like a thousand years. I am hoping he gets the counseling and help he needs. However, I realize that I need help too. Ready for some serenity here. It is my desperate prayer
Serenity is different things to different people. It could depend on your mood, background, or ways of thinking. Last night I listened to a great rock band with an equally great stage presence. How they related to their audience was magic. I sat towards the front at table 15. Didn’t know it was Table 15 till the band pointed it out. They said, We’re gonna play pretty loud Table 15. I was glad to be acknowledged..Plus,.I knew I liked the songs so I did not care about the volume. I just wanted to be lost in the music. My serenity was when I closed my eyes and pictured being 17 again. Not afraid to dance to the music. I have become so formal.I watch now as other women dance. Serenity would be being able to dance without strings, reserves, or fear. Just move to the music and revolve into the melody.
Heard another good concert in the park. The music was from my young adult memories. I watched others dancing in a circle or swinging their little girls around to the musical rhythm. The look on their faces was like serenity. The dancing brings back memories of Oregan and Jackson Hole where I used to watch live music outdoors with my family. My mother had a gypsy spirit and a sense of adventure. She could get in the car and discover a new place. There would be a bed and breakfast where we would have lunch. In that town..
I remember gathering together and listening to an outdoor concert. i would find others in the crowd to dance with. I was at peace in the music, the dance, and my family. I had a sense of serenity.
Today, I had a feeling of serenity watching people getting baptized. Declaring their faith in Jesus. Mothers, sons, husbands, and young women committed to following Jesus. The prayers of the other saints towards their brothers and sisters. That touched my heart. Each had a testimony of God’s faithfulness. I found myself crying and thanking God for each one of them. I felt serenity as everyone in the building joined together in love and support.
What I got from these experiences was to make every moment like a precious flower. Unique, rare, and colorful in it’ s design. Enjoy the moments. Care for others and support them in their faith.
The next lesson I learned is sometimes you have got to face the music and dance!
At my meetings, we end with the Serenity prayer. A prayer of hope, faith, and belief.have been thinking of you.
When I got back from England. I realized that my husband did not have the medical problems I thought he did. I still needed to call 911 when I came back from running errands and found him on the floor. There was blood on his lip. The walker was close by. I don’t know how long he had been on the floor. I was terrified and jumped into action as usual. His doctor had said the next time this happened to have him go to emergency. However, when the fire truck came and the paramedics looked at him, he would not go to the hospital.
IThe paramedics helped me get him into bed. I called our friend. He said that he must be using something or drinking more than beer. Something he did not have access to previously. I looked around. Then I spotted it. He had been hiding six packs of high proof beer and had finished most of a bicardi and coke in one sitting. He had been lying to me all this time.
I confronted him about his drinking. He denied it. At 4 in the morning he had already drank 2 more cans out of a new six pack. I told him this was it. I did not want him anymore because he lied to me. I did not want him sleeping in the same bed. From that point on, he slept in his chair. I had taken pictures of the alcohol and the beers. I took pictures of him laying on the floor. I wanted him to see him as I saw him. That was Friday night we got back. That was the night calling 911. I told him I wanted a divorce and I meant it. I did not want to sleep with him . I had dreams of him driving and hitting someone and killing them while drinking. I took my car key off his key ring. I work from home and I have to see him because he does not work. He could rtellcI had finally had enough. Roger told me on Friday that he woke up and decided he did not want to drink anymore. After work, I talked to a counselor and asked if there was someone who could help Roger.
They were able to get a counselor on the line to talk to Roger about his alcoholism. They also suggested to contact his insurance to find out what procedures there are for detox and for rehab. His insurance said to go to ER.
He went to ER the next day and when they asked why he wanted to stop drinking he said he was hurting his wife. That was the first time he ever acknowledged that he was hurting me by his lying and drinking. He wanted to get help. He got help at St Simon by the Sea. He learned coping skills and was able to go through the detox program. He is now attending Alcoholics Anonymous and is Two weeks sober. I am attending Alanon for family of alcoholics.
Currently I have Covid. Roger has been drinking water as drink of choice. He has been doing the laundry while I’m sick. Bringing me tea and water and taking care of me. He looks different now that he is out of the bottle. He is walking now. He walks the dog instead of just sitting in the chair. He was not able to walk on the beach. Today he walked on the beach with our border collie. He is getting stronger. He is looking at me the way he did when we were dating. He is more balanced spiritually, mentally, ‘emotionally, and physically. He looks twenty years younger. He wants our marriage to continue and wants to do what he can to make that happen. I am very proud of him to admit he had a problem and to find a solution. That is not easy. What’s more is that he did it for two reasons. He realized if he just stopped he could kill himself so he go through detox. He did not want to drink anymore. More importantly, he did not want to lose me.
For someone to love me enough to look beyond themselves and his addiction. To see what he could be missing. To notice that the best thing that Roger could ever have is standing right in front of him. Loving him everyday. To say he is hurting his wife. That is why I don’t want to drink anymore.
That my friend is Serenity.
